Life can be tough, and for those that have lived through certain traumas, life can seem impossible at times. It is amazing to think about how certains things affect us. Things that happen when you are a child, can haunt you decades later if not dealt with. Certain traumas can make strong people fragile. We all handle our "shit" in our own ways, some of us tend to handle it a little better than others and some of us, just shut down completely.
I for one, think that I handle my shit in a really disfunctional way. I've been in counselling for about 6 years now, though I've been in some sort of therapy a great deal of my life. I never took any prescriptions to handle the feelings and emotions I've dealt with, but I've taken plenty of other "drugs" to last a lifetime, all in an attempt to be happy or feel better. When I was young, I ignored the pains I felt and just kept puching on, but as I got older, I've felt weaker and more fragile than I'd ever felt. Like a worn out sock, with threads frayed, I feel so tired. It pisses me off to even admit that, because that is not who I am, but it is what I've allowed myself to become.
I've been molested, adandoned, done drugs and abused in more ways that I can count, but I've also been the abuser, a thief, a liar and a piece of shit as well. I somehow found happiness in my late twenties, only to later regress when things became a struggle. Now, at 43, I finally like myself and like how I treat people, but I am paying constantly for the person I was so long ago. I've lost my confidence and find it hard to even look at someone else as if I am their equal. What the fuck have I dont to myself and why have I let other people's opinions and perceptions, shape who I am today? I really don't know, but I plan to let it out here so I can let go of being a daddy douche.
If you're like me and would like a venue to "let it out", Please register an account and contact me to become a contributor.